Whose idea was it to let cyclists share the HOV lane? I'm beginning to wonder whether this was a brilliant, insidious Republican plot to foster ill will against our local two-wheeled locomotites. What better way to make commuters resent them than to stick an oblivious cyclist (probably blaring The Decembrists or some other equally repugnant Charles Dickens wannabes from their electrified phonographs) in front of an express bus filled with forty people trying to get to work on time. People are getting reprimanded by their condescending, mustachioed bosses because of these people, people. I can feel the dark side rising in this one already, and the hipster uniform wasn't a good start.
What is the general thrust of cyclists' reasons for riding their bike everywhere instead of driving a perfectly good horseless buggy? Is it a vendetta against Henry Ford, who, though a brilliant businessman, was kind of a dick? Is arriving at work slick with sweat a rebellious slap in hygiene‘s face? It sure as hell isn't to reduce their carbon footprint. When a single cyclist can make a bus take twice as long to reach its destination, that cyclist is increasing the pollution that bus would have original spit out by about a buhzillion-fold. I’ve run the numbers.
The other theory would be that they're disrupting the flawless transit system of Seattle; in other words, the squeaky bicycle wheel gets the grease. If enough of them are a pain in the ass, the city will bend to their tight, small-brim capped ways. It would appear to be working since they currently have the right to be the KFC in our city's arteries. And who doesn't love Critical Mass, the monthly attack on neighborhoods by a rabid glut of onry cyclists? This might not be entirely accurate, but my friend Crystyn's friend's Blayne said Critical Mass bikers routinely steal from senior citizens, and love to knock the begging cups out of handicapped Veterans' hands. They also make them cry, which truthfully, isn't that hard. But still.
This is a slippery slope, citizens. What next? Segways? Horses? I’ll be damned if have to share the road with those soulless, ghoul-eyed creatures. Their feet are stupid and poorly designed! They’re like fast pandas! In summary, horses creep me out, Pandas are evolutionary cretins, and Bikers are making me lose my shit.
