Greetings, my eager lovebugs. I hope everyone’s bodies are brimming with pleasure from the teachings of my last column, Butterfly Kisses: Let’s Get Real About This. No need for thanks, students…but if you must, get thineself to a powder room mirror. Disrobe from the waist up, and while staring heavy-lidded into your own reflection, gently, gently stroke your arm hairs. To know you are giving yourself such a pleasure-gift is enough thanks for me.
Remember my Golden Rule, lovers: When it comes to delight, do not sip, but gulp! Quaff heavily for the decanter of bliss, and let is spill messily onto your tunic. Our bodies were built to experience, children (please note the comma), so LET them.
This week’s delectation lesson is on the intricate mating dance known as courtship; or, to put it more contemporarily for my younger students: we will be learning The Fornication Club’s secret handshake. This lesson will be a series of columns, each educating you in the proper way to conduct each stage of romancing.
Now, I shall try to speak to the optimal dance steps for both sexes, but as a man with decades of practice in my man’s body, it is unavoidable that my expertise lies within a man’s body. Ladies, please do forgive any gentle stumbles I make on your behalf, though I am confident that my extensive experience with the fairest sex, beginning at the nubile age of twenty-six, has given me an uncanny knowledge of the female experience.
Stage 1: Seduction
One of the most difficult tricks in love is simply catching your soon-to-be lover’s eye and planting a seed of desire in it. While many randy bucks frequent particular rutting grounds to wave their urine-soaked antlers under the spasming nostrils of a receptive doe, with the proper skills one can find love anywhere one chooses to rut.
The first step, of course, is finding your pleasure muse. The dewy, flaxen-haired barista in the Fallout Boy t-shirt? Perhaps the sandaled young man with the aggressively unkempt sideburns? There is no incorrect choice here, students. Let your loin aura be your divining rod.
Once you have located the jack to your flat, the axel to your wheel, take the time to observe them as you would an animal. Are they skittish like a grazing kudu; confident like a full-grown chimpanzee; or perhaps just eerily slow-moving, like a de-treed sloth? Each animal requires a different approach. For instance, you do not simply walk up to a full-grown chimpanzee you don’t know. Trust me, friend, you do not. His…his teeth. They were everywhere. My god.
Ahem. As I was saying. Be very careful in how you approach. Your body language speaks louder than a yogini using a defective jade egg. Men: Do not believe all this modern talk of women wanting a sensitive man with feelings. That’s horse shit. Women want machismo to ooze from every sweaty pore of a man. If you don’t ooze naturally, I would recommend a few things:
1. Sit quietly at a table by yourself lighting matches and putting them out with your fingers. Look disinterested in everything, as if at any second you might grow bored and break a chair over a fellow’s head just to amuse yourself.
2. If there is a spare napkin and writing utensil around, doodle pictures of naked women.
3. Brazenly make-out with an easy barfly. Girls love what they can’t have.
Women: Though you might think men prefer a demure woman, men actually prefer battle. Look at that bearded screaming guy and his wife from the Nobel Prize-winning movie 300. They are both warriors of love, locked in ferocious combat, like in that one hot slow-motion scene. That is what men want. Here are some tips for you to throw a bit of seductive melee into your conquest:
1. Brazenly make-out with an easy barfly. If your future lover is interested, he will become bored with putting out matches and break a chair over Ernie’s face (you can buy Ernie a scotch later).
2. Put on a seductive, yet argumentative dance for your man. Men love to dance, and they love a challenge. He will almost assuredly accept your challenge to a dance-off, and if there is anything certain in this world it is that man/woman dance-offs almost always lead to a passionate relationship.
3. Engage him in a shoving match.
There we have it, my receptive vessels. You should now have the knowledge and skills to seduce the mate of your choice wherever you may be. My next column will cover the subsequent stage of seduction, Stage 2: What I Am Proposing Is Making Love. Till next time, my children!
Sensually Yours,
Egan Rhys Napewood
pretty funny
ReplyDelete