Things I Want To Do (Part 1)

Punch a sleeping person in the face and then quickly hide underneath the bed before they realize what's happened.

Participate in the local Scandinavian parade, dressed as Dracula.

Bodypress a restaurant's bar.

Become an awning washer.

Bodypress a moving cyclist.

Get a tattoo that no one will ever find.

Horseshoe a bear.

Grow a ponytail out of my neck.

Slap a bowl of soup.

Bellyflop into a pool filled with cold mayo.

Get into a public brawl with a clown.

Paint my car with glow-in-the-dark paint.

Fart loudly and a lot in a cafe.

Clone a dinosaur only to publicly decapitate it with a battleaxe.

Run for port commissioner.

Be Jewish.

Eat Runts on an empty stomach until I puke.

Order a cupcake, only to monkey slap it, then order another.

Invent electrified food.

Be tazed.

Be stung by a bee.

Become a local character. It's a toss-up between dressing like the Monopoly Man and trying to buy wares with Monopoly Money and being racist in a 1920s sort of way, or wearing all blue and riding a bike around while zipping cookies at people.

Ride a motorcycle engulfed in flames off a roof into the local farmer's market.

Be a spit-take therapist.

Participate in the local Gong Show. We would be dressed like Muppets and do a peppy sing and dance routine to the Muppet Show's theme, curse each other for missing our steps, and then slowly degenerate into a violent brawl.

Own a fainting goat, and rig a motion sensitive foghorn by its food bowl.

Domesticate a fox.

Stay awake until I am literally insane. Can you literally be insane? I might not know words.

Rig a device that makes it look like my crotch is bleeding profusely and stroll around town.

Be a rich old man.

Get pec implants in my back.

Thieve dogs.

Take a bath in a tub filled with pho.

Change my middle name to "Danger" and see what the consequences are.

Blow an airhorn in an orgasming woman's face and see what happens.

Weave a wig of live snacks and wear it to church.

Wear a children's sized Spiderman costume for Halloween.

Tag taggers.

Become a professional baseball player and have my intro music be the audio from a slaughterhouse.

Have arms twice their normal length.

Vomit out a personal item of a friend's in the middle of dinner with them.

Ride a bicycle two stories tall around town.

Shave a bear. WOAH.

Destroy Chai.

Throw animal blood on vegans.

Fill my coat closet with balloons and be nonplussed when a friend tries to hang their coat in it.

Hang out at a friend’s house, use their bathroom and pee on EVERYTHING, and then be confused when they later discover what I've done and confront me about it.

Start a fantasy metal band called The Fainting Goats that collapses the instant we play a song.

Reshoot Crossroads (1986), sans costumes and sets.

Stick my head in a taffy machine.

Become a lugubrious alcoholic clown.

Fill a squirt gun with Aqua Velva and terrorize people.

After a long, drawn-out confrontation, be forcibly removed by cops from a short belltower.

Ride a Barbie Power Wheels in traffic.

Perform a flying punch on Adam Gherke during his traffic report.

Hit on extremely old women with graduating levels of forwardness.