Ba dink-donk ga-goo! Howdy doo, ladies and germs! Looks like your friend T.J. Pickles got up on the wrong side of bed this morning because boy, are my arms tired! Ha HA! Also, I ate my last can of Pork and Beans last night and this clown tummy is hungry!
I tell ya, Real Life is difficult. Ha HA!
Anybody out there go to the gym? I’ve been running a lot of laughathons myself, but I tell ya, I should have been practicing my squats. I’ve been doing a lot of those lately. My busker income has been pretty light this winter, and my old buddy Tony the Landlord doesn’t look too kindly on late rent. No sir! Life and/or Tony might throw you down a flight of stairs, but Pickles always gets up laughing! Ha HA! Don’t cry over spilt milk, right? I do wish I had some spilt milk, though, because all this laughing parches a clown’s throat, you know?
But still, I’ve always said that no matter how hard times get, there’s always a demand for laughter! That’s why I dropped out of 11th grade and high-tailed it right over to St. Sebastian’s Clown Academy! Four years and forty-thousand dollars in school loans later, and boy, are my arms tired! Ha HA! They really are very, very tired, though.
ANYHOO! After I graduated from the academy I was lucky enough to get an internship with a small Ethiopian circus that taught me a lot about the business. It didn’t pay any money, per se, but I did get a free cot in the elephant tent to sleep on, and all the peanuts I could eat! My Mom always used to say, “All we’re feeding that bastard is peanuts!” Then Dad would say, “I’m not buying him any god damn fancy nuts, you diabetic whore!” I got pretty good at napping.
I graduated from Sebastian’s with a Bachelors of Science in Post-Modern Improv Clowning, but lately my career has naturally evolved into a bit more of the classic Hobo Clown shtick. It’s pedestrian, but whatever works, right? I’m in-between places right now, as they say, so the costume pretty much makes itself! Luckily, the city just condemned a crack house down the street, so I’ve been doing some urban camping there till I can pay Tony my back rent. It really is a nice place, though. People poo-poo crack heads a lot, but they are a very tidy people! For a condemned crack house there is a minimal amount of feces outside of the bathroom.
After a long day of pounding the pavement – I visit the Ringling Brothers’ office every other day just to make sure they still have my resume on file – I come home, slip into my little fort of non-soiled sofa cushions in the living room, and just relax, y’know? Who needs that old rat race? Not this clown. I’ve got my health, a roof over my head, and food to – well, who couldn’t stand to lose a few pounds, am I right? Ha HA! Who ever heard of a fat clown, anyway? NOT ME!!!
Tell me if you’ve heard this one: What’s all smiles and has two thumbs? This guy! Ha HA! No two ways about it – next time you turn on the TV, there I’ll be staring right back at you! T.J. Pickles, clown extraordinaire! People will say, “J.P. Patches? I’ve never heard of that old fuck! You know who I have heard of, though? T.J. fucking Pickles, that's who! And he’s a million times funnier than that Patches cunt. A MILLION.”
Keep a look out for me, America! This rising star is going supernova, and nothing’s gonna stop me now! Fuck you, Dad!
Yukfully Yours,
T.J. Pickles
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