One of the greatest, most insufferable problems mankind has been plagued with since he crawled out of the goo is uncleanliness. While many would quickly point out that disease and things that make you die would be higher on their list of Things That Are Big Problems, these issues have actually served mankind by weeding out those who are weak, or not proficient at passing on their genetic load before getting their head crushed by an irritable alpha male. If not for these evolutionary functions – Mother Nature’s chastity belt for the undesirable - we would not be the perfect images of God we are today. And yet, we sully our thumby, bipedalled bodies by letting our hair become oily and dull, and our various crevices smelly.
Though it is inarguable that mankind is at the apex of its growth as a creature of beauty, intellect, and culture; that we live in a veritable utopia on Earth where all of its citizens can revel in a life untroubled by poor fashion and manners, couthly traipsing about the downtown thinking only of lunch dates and rewarding careers; our species’ stranglehold on pleasure is severely lessened by dull, unflingable hair; bottoms coated with invisible, though prevalent, feces streaks; and musty closet-like breath. This is where Beautiful Technology comes in.
Beautiful Technology® is the Industry leader in developing new technologies in anal and oral cleansatories, as well as hair beautifies. Our research and development budget currently exceeds the combined R&D budgets of both cancer and HIV research on the west coast, and the results speak for themselves. You have most likely seen our products overwhelming the aisles of your local drugstore – we produce over forty-two variations of toothpaste alone, addressing a wide range of oral issues, such as sensitive teeth, discolored uvula, and overbearing gums. (Fun science fact: According to the Henry Egan Colgate Principle, toothpaste’s molecular structure collapses when more than three dental issues are addressed in any one tube.)
Let’s take a look at two innovative Beautiful Technology® products that use our exclusive, patented technologies, and are being enjoyed by consumers all over the world (excluding Alaska and Hawaii):
Southern Breeze ™ is a toilet paper made from hippopotamus skin cultures. The skin of hippopotami naturally produce an extremely effective emollient, which soothes and smoothes the anal glands, providing for a much more pleasing anal appearance. Hippo skin also naturally produces a crystalline sweat, and is one of the most effective, not to mention 100% organic, sunscreens in the world. We at Beautiful Technology uphold that the sun does indeed shine “down there” occasionally, such as when retrieving an errant bocce ball from an ambition's youngster’s sand castle moat while also wearing a slippery thong; or certain styles of making love on the beach.
Forever Young ™ is a toothpaste developed from a refreshing mixture of mandarin orange peels and stem cells. Our stem cells are harvested internationally from countries blessed with a legal abundance of stem cells, such as Angola and Guinea. These cells are then carefully blended with our organic Vietnamese mandarin oranges to produce a refreshing toothpaste that leaves one’s mouth fresh, and free of virtually all oral disease, bacteria or wounds.
The most significant obstacle our planet faces in the pursuit of happiness is unwelcome hygiene issues, and Beautiful Technology® will continue to fight this battle head-on, wielding our products like a crusading knight does his righteous sword. And just as the Allies stood tall and proud against the Third Reich, so shall Beautiful Technology be at the forefront of this new, equally important battle. Rest assured, World: We have your back, and shall wax it.
Beautifully Yours,
Dr. Lindsey Borscht
Beautiful Technology Research
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