YOU WEREN’T AT MY BASEBALL GAMES; I WON’T HELP PAY YOUR RENTBy Todd Braiser Jr.

Dear Dad,

(FYI, the only reason I didn’t communicate your failure as a father by putting quotation marks around “Dad” is because that is an incorrect use of quotation marks, but rest assured, the sentiment is there.)

I’m not sure what I have done to make you think I would loan you the $135 you pay each month to sleep on your friend Rick’s couch, but if I have done anything to make you feel like I would, I profusely apologize. I would sooner cry myself to sleep each night for ten years because my Dad loves poppers and moustaches more than me.

Don’t get me wrong, Todd, Sr. I applaud your “journey” into “Who Todd Sr. Really Is”. I’m glad you’ve “found yourself”. But couldn’t you have found me along the way? While you were off at Dave and Buster’s getting trashed and riding the mechanical bull, I was at home riding The Bull of Neglect. While you were cramming jalapeño poppers in your deceitful face, I was riding The Bull of I-Don’t-Know-How-To-Shave; the Bull of How-Do-I-Please-A-Girl-Down-There; and The Bull of Why-Does-My-Father-Smell-Like-Old-Spice-Which-Is-Not-A-Deodorant-He-Owns. Those bulls don’t stop bucking after the $1.25 runs out, Dad.

And what about Mom? She sits at home drinking wine and sighing while doing Sudoku, pining away for the man she fell in love with twenty years ago. What do I tell her when she asks where the man that loved curling up with her on the couch for a Golden Girls marathon is? Where is the man that shared her passion for Nora Roberts and spinning class? All I can say to her is that I wish I knew that, too, and slowly back away from her knuckley hands, vaguely clawing out at me for support while her Aquanetted bangs shine the kitchen table.

I get it. Mom’s large floral-print dresses and Precious Moments figurines are tough to deal with. We both know that. I know being a Level 24 Paladin LARPer doesn’t make me a prize son, either, but please - Mom and I need you. Put your Captain’s hat back on and let’s get the SS Braiser Family back on course.

Sincerely,

Todd Braiser, Jr.